IT'S THE TOP 9 JUMP OFF!

The judges look ready to kick some ass!

As we know, Steven got out of the State Pen last week... and is still wearing his pants!

Randy is dressed in all black and wait, are those candy necklaces??? Mmmmmm, I love candy necklaces!

J Lo is the leader of the pack and is showing America whose boss by wearing her own design of the incredible hulk glove, available at Macy’s April 27^th.

SEACREST'S HAIR: Usual midget mancrush. But my attention this week isn’t on his hair, it’s on his incredible tie clip! I can tell at glance that it’s good stuff, no need to use the gun! And it actually makes the little guy look like a badass ready to take names!

From now on, if you ever see me wearing a tie, expect to see a legit tie clip on it.....

Our Idols tonight are taking on their own Idols tonight. It’s the top 9. We are trimming the fat, Idolismers… weeding out the nimrods…. And those nimrods are pretty freakin’ good! This should be a great show.

We start off with Tommy Hilfiger giving them a pep in his tightie whities, on talk on how to take off their jeans. He and then slaps them on the asses and tells them to go get 'em! Check out the jewfro kid n play boxtop he is sporting:

COLTON: Colton comes out looking suave in a white dinner jacket!

He is singing a song by Lighthouse, his favorite worship song. I didn’t know that Colton was spiritual; and it makes like him even more. It fits his whole stage presence and when I saw the audience waving their hands and swaying back and forth, I was like, this dude is in it to win it…… Colton is my boy! Safe.

Steven said he was a dream come true, J Lo said she was moved, and Randy liked his jacket and said he was a finale contender!

SKYLAR: She’s got the country crock glitzy leather jacket and comes out firing like a little pistol! 

She is singing her idol Miranda Lambert, wife of another kickass judge, Blake. I’m not a huge country fan at all, but I like the song and Skylar is kind of growing on me. She is nothing like my peach Lauren Alaina, but I can certainly dig it.

J Lo said it was unbridled energy, Steven said she had the dirty south twang and Randy said she was a powerhouse singer. She should be safe.

Next, Colton Elise and Philip performing together???? Well wait, aren’t Phil Phil and Elise still performing tonight? I didn’t think that was fair at all and I fast forwarded it in disgust.

HEEJOON: Heejoon really let me down last week and for me, is at the bottom of the pack. He is singing Donnie Hathaway and comes out on the stage looking like he is going to the prom with his boutonierre. His hat also reminds me of a Korean version of Ben Harper.

He sounded good, and seemed passionate, but I kept thinking about how bamboozled I was by his performance last week, and I think he should definitely be in the bottom 3.

Steven liked it, J Lo said it was beautiful, and Randy said his tone was buttery. Mmmmmmmm, butter.... 

Next, we see Ryan talking to Jason Derulo, who is wearing a blinged out neck brace? WHAT?!?! It's weird, and kind freaks me out... check it out:

HOLLIE: She is singing “Jesus Takes the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood. In the clip before her performance, Stevie Nix looks like she is going to make out with Hollie, while Jimmy creepily looks on, exemplifying his pedophilia...(I don't know why I pick on the guy so much)

Hollie sounds phenomenal, and the snow falling in the background gives me a warm Christmas feeling. But I was a little bored too.

Randy gave her “constructive criticism,” while J Lo felt it was one of her best, and Steven said he didn’t hear her full range. I still like her a lot and would be upset if she were in the bottom 3.

DEANDRE: First time I didn’t call him Kris Humphries! Anyhow, he is singing “Sometimes I Cry” by Eric Benet. I’m a bit sick of Deandre... So sick of him I’m DeAndre Brackensick! But he pulls off some very nice falsetto notes in this performance and I have to admit, it impressed me. There's still a good chance of him being in the bottom 3, because the only thing good about him is his curly hair

 In addition to Kris Humphries, Denadre also reminds me of a bi-racial version of Curly Sue…

The judges loved it and gave him a standing o. But I still think he’ll be in the bottom 3. 

JESSICA: She is performing Beyonce, and I have very high expectations for Jessica, because I like both her and Beyonce a lot. She sounded great, but it sounded fluttery. Maybe it was the harp that gave me the flutters? She looked cute:

She was very good, but she has been so money the past few weeks, that a very good performance no longer cuts it. But she will still be safe, and to me, is still a frontrunner to win the whole thing.

J Lo said something unoriginal, Steven said she has more in her but it was still delicious and Randy said she showed resolve and that Colton should look out!

And we have another medley..... Josh, pre performance, with Heejoon and Kris that already performed and have now changed! Not cool dude… I don’t think that’s right at all and I don’t want to watch them as a group unless it’s a Ford Focus commercial.

PHIL PHIL: Singing Johnny Lang. Stevie said Mick would’ve asked him to join Fleetwood… Wow, quite the compliment! Phil comes on the stage with an electric guitar and uncombed hair, and was awesome!

He has had more memorable performances, but this was still a great one, and his originality is always refreshing. He’s not going anywhere.

The judges loved it and gave him another standing o.

JOSH:  Josh is singing Mariah. His jacket is pretty out there, but Josh is a pretty flamboyant guy so it fits him well.

He has a great voice and brought it to church at the right times this week. His emotions got to him at the end, and I believed it.

Randy called it brilliant, Steven said he pushed himself beyond his limits, and J Lo said he was something special. He's safe.

Another mini group performance. Fast forward.

ELISE: She is singing Led Zeppelin and I have a feeling she will rock it. Elise’s attitude has gotten to me the past few weeks, but I’m willing cut her some slack because I feel guilty about calling her a bitch because that is not nice.

She had sweet bell bottoms on! 

She also sounded awesome, but not as good as when Adam Lambert performed it. But while Elise pulled it off and is back in my good graces, I believe she will still be in the bottom 3 for the 3rd consecutive week.

The judges said she did an amazing job and congratulated her.

What a show! The performaces were out of control tonight! The judges said it best, there was something in the water! Idolisms is delighted to have such a talented batch of vocal prowess.

Samitz.

OUT

Top 10 Perform, and it was AWESOME!

Shannon got the boot last week. I don’t feel bad for her. She is 16 with a promising career playing college volleyball and going into the Olympics, or possibly going into the WNBA.

Judges. Look at them curves on J Lo! Hips don’t lie…. Wait, that’s Shakira.

Randy is usual fly, polka dot Robert Graham, black velore jacket. Steven is wearing a zuit suit out of the county jail.

Seacrest’s hair: Ahh, the finger messed up hair doo! With a sweet vest and prim and proper pocket square… This guy!

Jimmy =freak. Diddy=Can’t nobody take his pride, Can’t nobody hold him down. (It’s a song) And he looks pissed!

They’re up. It’s Billy Joel time tonight…ack ack ack ack ack ack!

Kris is up first. His hair pulled back is a waste of hair, according to Hilfiger! Let it go, dog. Release yourself! He sings the good die Young and his black leather shirt under his white vest makes me swallow my throwup. The gimp bracelets on his wrist bring me back to Miss McMillan’s first grade class. Oh, his voice? I didn’t love it at all, think this guy is just ok. The judges liked it to start the show but weren’t jumping up and down.

 

Erika: One of the blondes that’s got to go. She is singing “New York State of Mind”, but wait..... she is no longer a blonde! She comes out with short black hair! Weak attempt at contemporary less talented, black haired version of the singer Pink. Not happening Van Pelt, but maybe it will? She has a pleasant voice but the switch up of hair do throws me off. But Randy loved the look and vocals, J Lo didn’t recognize her and Steven said it was outstanding.

Breath right: Hilfiger tells Josh that he needs to wear a Tux to be special. Josh smiles ear to ear, cracking his breath right strip, causing bloods to drip into his mouth. Josh is singing “She’s Gotta Win” I didn’t love the song choice but thought he once again killed it. Josh certainly has a beast of a voice, and while he didn’t know the song (neither did I) he sang it like he did. But his constant need to take it to church sometimes turns me off. He’s still good, but I could see the young viewership not voting for him.

Here is a pic of Josh after Seacrest just gave him the money shot.

Skylar: Still feel guilty for calling her a deranged hamster the other week… Tonight she is singing “Shameless.” She sure has passion, and is good at putting a country twist on any song, but not for me. She is a cornfed munchkin. Her earrings were big, but not as big as her ass! Slight case of Assgiganticus?

The judges thought it was slow in the beginning and said it was "just good."

See her here giving the finger to the crowd.

Elise:  Yes, the bitch Elise. She is wearing an Eskimo hat in the clip with a super size lance Armstrong bracelet. She is singing “Vienna” Who? Vienna from the Bachelor?

No. Elise screamed into the mic as if it was one of her ex boyfriends. She really does have a powerful voice, but I still want her gone. She doesn’t light up the stage at all, and the most entertaining part of the performance was the Hitler looking guy in the background, playing the accordion and looking like a huge creeper! See here:

Phil Phil: Hilfiger says he is too timid. He starts caressing Phil until Phils beats him over the head with his guitar. Splat. What????.........Anywho, Phil is singing “Moving Out”, which I predicted! I knew he’d sing that! And I knew he’d kill it. He listens to nothing anyone said by wearing gray and having his guitar, and was feisty with the mic! He got in the zone and made it his own. This guy is in it to win it. He’s got it all. The judges agreed, and Steven threw gave him his scarf that was made out of a trashbag!

Hollie: Hollie goes with the white pant suit tonight with the glitzy yellow 80’s wristbands. Everyone knows her voice is powerhouse and she is one of the frontrunners, but this wasn’t her best performance. I was disappointed tonight with her and will be really upset if she gets the boot. The judges didn’t like it either… uh oh.

Heejoon: He is singing “My Life.” Heejoon is the hilarious token asian in the competition, but last weekend he didn’t impress me at all. Tonight he is dressed like an emo-hipster-homeless-punk that shops at Ubiq on Walnut. Hilfiger basically says to him, you need to wear something an Asian in the Fast and the furious would wear... Okay… Heejoon is a funny guy but the performance was wack and sort of rubbed me the wrong way. J lo said it was fun, Steven calls him Hee-man and says he needs to take it more serious (agreed!), Randy said there were vocal problems but he was happy to see him have a good time.

Jessica: She gives Hilfiger a boner because she is cute and petite. She is singing “Everybody has a dream” Wow! She sings the hell out of it and really demonstrates the passion she has for singing by hitting it out of the park! She's got pipes on her and is the real package. I want to like someone else more to avoid being cliche, but she is too good right now. The judges by no surprise gave her a much deserving standing ovation.

Colton: I really like Colton. He is singing the "Piano Man" tonight and it’s an opportunity for him to bask in his niche and tear it up on the piano. A red piano! His Mohawk mullet was on point tonight, and the peach fuzz facial hair gave him the edge he was looking for. And his vocal performance gave him the edge that I and America was looking for. Well done! J Lo got goosies, Steven loved it, and Randy said he was a real Rockstar.

Love this show, love you, love Idolisms.

Samitz. Out

Songs from the year they were born

Last night the genre was, songs from the year they were born. This is  always interesting to see what song they will choose because of the wide selection from an entire year.

Seacrests hair: Buttload of gel, got 2 b! What an immaculate human being. Love the yellow? pocket square too.

The Judges: Steven is going with the Elvis look tonight, J Lo did a poor job cutting her dress and has on hot pink lip stick on that makes me bite my finger! Randy is rocking a red and black sweater with the matching watch, and keeps it fresh by constantly popping his collar.

Jimmy is back and teamed up with Will-i-am. I love Will I am and have a lot of respect for him as both a performer and producer. I’mma be, I’mma be, listening to what he has to say because he is the man!

 The Contestants:

Phil Phil: Philly Philly is Competing with kidney stones! This guy is an absolute animal and he performed like one tonight. One of my faves in the competition and I have a good feeling most of America agrees. He sings the Black Crows “Hard to Handle”, a song that they play at the Flyers games, and I feel like I’m at one I like the guy that much.

Randy said DUDE, you sound amazing and good song choice, J Lo said it was so natural for him and Steven said he picked a song that matched his voice and character but to watch his melody.

Jessica Sanchez: She is singing “Turn the Beat Around” by Gloria Estefan. The pressure is on because she killed it last week and she will have to sing really amazing to top it…. She is good, but not as good as last week. But she no question is one of the better singers in the competition, and she looks very pretty, even with the chiclets.

The judges weren’t too hot on it. Steven said she strayed too far from a ballad and her rhythm was shaky, J Lo said not her favorite but good job, and Randy said he didn’t like the song choice…. She is still safe.

HEEJOON: He is singing “Right Here Waiting For You” By Richard Marks. Looked good with the pink shirt and bowtie, but he didn’t sing great at all.  And he was singing about his heart breaking, and doesn’t take his hand off his heart the entire song, which for some reason bothered the hell of out of me… And also, as pointed out to me by a colleague of mine, why the in the world does he not have lenses in his glasses?? Looks kind of like an idiot! I was disappointed in Heejoon tonight.

Randy didn’t enjoy it at all, J Lo loved it and Steven said it was very breathy. I still like Heejoon to make the cut this week, but don’t think he’ll last much longer after that.

Elise Testone: Last week she got saved, so this week, she better earn that shee-it! She is singing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together,” and makes a joke that America will be making babies to it and than laughs at her own joke… Not that funny bitch! She does sing great, but her attitude pisses me off and she needs a boot up her ass.

Steven said she loves her voice, J Lo said it was right on every level, and Randy said it was beautiful and she is back!

Kris Humphries: At first he is going to sing the Lion King song by Elton John. He then decides to sing “Endless Love.” He is curly. I’m already sick of his falsetto and think he is hit a plateau. He looks fresh in the white dinner jacket, but he didn’t impress me vocally and he needs to step his game up if he wants to stick around.

The judges didn’t love it, but went soft on him, instead of ripping him a new one. They blamed Jimmy the freak. Kris Brackensuck get boot? I think he is a candidate.

Shannon Magrane : Shannon takes on Mariah’s “One Sweet Day”. Will-I-am says she should sing it laying down, but production calls it off because she wouldn’t fit on the screen because she is too long. The song however, was too big for her. She didn’t sing it poorly, but she just doesn’t have that star quality I’m looking for.

J Lo said she was terrified for her for taking on the song but she did a beautiful job, Steven said she did a really good job and Randy, who works with Mariah, said he was terrified like J Lo was but was pleased with it.

Colton Dixon: I like this guy a lot and think he is a stud with a milf.  He is also wearing a weird as hell leather vest with an uneven popped collar…. But the dude has a mohawk, so even his weird outfits are still normal. He is singing “Broken Heart” by White Lion……. Ummmm, Svincter says what? He really makes it his own, even though I don’t know what it actually sounds like…But, he“slam dunks it like Vladamir”, as big Willy says. I am definitely on the Colton train.

The judges are on the train too and think this guy has it.

Erika Van Pelt: She is singing Bryan Adams “Heaven”. She sings it very well and has a really cool voice, but she throws in some wack extra notes and pauses which I didn’t think was necessary at all.

Steven says it wasn’t good and she was too busy. He’s kind of a hardass tonight, and

 I’ve never seen him this critical, but I like it! J Lo didn’t love the arrangement and Randy gave it an 8 out of 10. I really enjoy her vocals, but question whether America digs it.

Next we cut to Jermaine Jones getting the boot from the Idol Exec Producers. He is wearing a scarf that matches nothing. 

And he has 4 warrants! I was dying…. What an idiot! I’m happy Kareem Watkins (one of the fake names he gave) is gone.

Skylar Laine: Her name kind of sounds like a pornstar doesn’t it? So, last week I went a little rough on our little country crock Skylar, so I’m going to give her a new shot tonight. She is singing Bonnie Raitt’s “Creeping Up on You.” Jimmy wanted her to change it but she sticks to her guns. I liked it and think she sang it very well. She has got a lot of spunk.

Steven said he has never heard her sing bad, J Lo kept it real and said she really killed it and Randy thought the song didn’t matter because it was nicely done.

Josh Crawfish aka Breath Right Strip Killah! Great makeup job, can’t even see it. He is singing Michael Bolton “When A man Loves a Woman” and is outstanding. He is soulful and keeps me sucked in. His performance was by far the most enjoyable for me and I think when his make up is good, this Nola boy has got serious star power.

The judges love it and say it was by far the best of the night and he he is last weeks Jessica.

Hollie Cavanaugh: I found out that Holly doesn’t have a speech impediment, she is just British. Refreshing, I guess? Holly is taking on Celine Dion’s “Power of Love.” She is a vocal monster and still remains my front runner. She is phenomenal and looks great too.

The judges said there were a couple things off but weren’t worth mentioning because it was great and they love her.

Very solid night of songs from the year the contestants were born. I don’t know who will get the boot but my candidates are Elise, Heejoon and Kris Humphries.

Have a wonderful night!

Samitz.       OUT

The Finalists Perform

Now it starts to count. The finalists of Season 11 are ready to bring it.

Seacrest's hair

 Party with a spiked punch bowl in the front, gobs of gel, and this time he used sun-in to create the frosted tips effect… This guy is brilliant!

The judges looking amazing! They always knock my socks off. 

But J Lo's vagina imprint, also known as camel toe; rocks my socks off even more. Before it gets out to US Weekly, you can get your exclusive gander at the toe of J Lo's camel, right here!

Jimmy is still a freak and Mary J is still da bomb (I'm bring back that old school lingo)

Girls

Elise Testone: Jimmy and Mary J don’t like her first choice and have her sing Whitney’s “I’m Your Baby Tonight.” She sucked. Just didn’t seem natural and she seemed like she was pushing at parts where she didn’t have to. And she was a bitch when talking to Jimmy and Mary J, followed by her pathetic making excuses to Ryan! 

J Lo didn’t think it was her best, Steven said it wasn’t great and something was missing and Randy thought she was boxing with the song.

It’s not her beauty, it’s her BOOTy.

Skylar Laine: She is singing “Where do Broken Hearts Go” by the Whit. She gives Mary goosebumps, but I don’t like her at all. She’s a verminesque, glittery, a psycho gerbil.

She reminds me of cottoned mouthed munchkin with heavy makeup and hoop earrings……. I saw one of those the other day. But this guy loved it and was macking hard:

The hipster Randall Cunningham Jr has got some serious game.
She might be one of these terrible ones that stick around because of the wack voting system. This girl is no Lauren Alaina. She gots to go!

J Lo says said she had composure but it was nasally, true. Steven said it was beautiful, surprise. Randy said she can sing any song.

Shannon Magrane: Shannon is a beast! She looks glittery and leathery and silvery and long. She’s blinging out her pleather, and even her earpiece has got a little bling!

She’s singing “I Have Nothing” by Whitney. For real, this girl can sing and has killed it in past performances, but she seemed real shook in this one! Didn’t feel good…I could see how inexperienced she was and was instantly turned off. But she does a have a mean crossover on the basketball court:

I still think she’s a contender because she’s got appeal to the youngins, and even the male teen bop vote too. This is her about to dominate Seacrest... all 5'3" of him:

I thought she was my Pia of this year, except I could tap Pia, and I can’t tap Shannon. And Pia got the boot and when that happened, we stopped hooking up.

Oh, and the judges thought she blew too.

Hollie Cavanaugh: Singing “All the Man”. I like this song a lot, one of my fave Whitney songs. Hollie rhoto? That’s mean, I’m sorry. I like Hollie though and think she has a crazy big voice! And she is cute too, but I feel like I’m hopping on the bandwagon if I blow her up too much. She’s hyped up right now in the early stages of this long season. Check out her version of hyped:

Randy said she took on Whitney’s big song and nailed it, J Lo said she might be the one and Steven said she has been nailing it every time……….Wait what are we talking about here??

Jessica Sanchez: She is singing Whitney’s biggest hit, “I Will Always Love You.” She’s ballsy, and I like it! And I think she is cute but I sometimes want to chew on her teeth because I think they are white mint chiclets. 

But her performance was outstanding and I think she is definitely in it to win it. She is my frontrunner.

Randy said it was the best vocal of the night, J Lo broke out her “amazing” and Steven said she might be the one. They ate her up. I would.

Erika Van Pelt: She sings Whitney’s “I Believe in You and Me.” She has a pretty unique tone and sounded good at the higher parts, but the low voice notes remind me of a knock off poor woman’s and not even close Cher. And she’s blonde and we still have too many, so we need to get her and her lazy eye out.

The judges liked it a lot more than I did….Randy said she was amazing, J Lo had gooseys and Steven said it was perfect and thinks she’s great.

Guys

Jermaine Jones: Singing “Knocks Me Off My Feet” by Stevie Wonder. I love Stevie but didn’t love the song. Jermaine was extremely sweaty, as evidenced here:

Jermaine’s got a great deep voice and it’s cool to have in the show, but the fact that they “brought him back”, there is a bias that he actually does suck, so to me, he will always be a loser. But he is nice guy and can get his job back at MAC if he does indeed get the boot.

Steven said the song fit him like an Armani suit, J Lo said she wanted him to connect with the song more and Randy said he didn’t enjoy the chorus.

Colton: Singing “Lately” by Stevie. This is totally out of his element, so I was am amped to see the performance, but the song is slow, so my amp is pretty low… but Colton hit some nice power notes and had a great falsetto at the end! I’m on Team Mohawk, this guy is legit.

Steven said it was beautiful and well done, J Lo looked incredible. And said it was great. Randy said it wasn’t picture perfect but loved his falsetto too.

Joshua Ledet: “I Wish” by Stevie Wonder. He tore it up and was great when he scatted! He had some really sick runs and was entertaining in a flaming sort of way. Really great way to start off the show, but he might be a bit too churchy for me. He also looks kind of creepy here, but his breath right strip is healing nicely:

Randy said it was flavaless and flawless, J Lo looked amazing and said she “feels it” and Steven said he brought it home and nailed it.

Heejoon: Singing “All in love is fair?” I like Heejoon! He is a goofy bastard and makes everyone laugh, but I also think he has an incredible voice. But this performance put me to sleep! And it made me feel uncomfortable at points where he grunted, like this one:

J Lo said “I Love you”. His fortune cookie came true! Steven said that something about his voice is special. Randy said it wasn’t perfect, but it was really good.

I think Heejoon will stick around for a while because of his voice and because he is hilarious, but moreso the latter.

Phillip Phillips: Phil is singing “Superstition” by Stevie. Phil puts a whole different spin on it. He is a rockhead. Or just a stoner. But I like it when he just falls in the music while strumming his guitar, looking all like Dave Matthews. 

And sounding like him too…. But maybe a little too much? I like Phil. And the small percentage of country crock neo hippie chicks that vote for him because they think he’s a hunk with good pot.

Steven said “you just are”, J Lo said he made it his own and killed it, Randy said he is the most different artist and he loved it.

Kris Humphries: Deandre. He is singing “Master Blaster” by Stevie Wonder, and this is one of my favorite songs ever! Here is Kris aka Lil Keke, or Deandre.

I like this kid! He got IRIE on the stage and I was blogging like a nerd and almost knocked my laptop over! But was it just entertaining watching Humphries perform, or does this kid actually have enough to be in it to win it?

Steven likes his Jamaican vibe, J Lo liked it a lot, Randy said YO, dude… YO, Check it.

Job well done.

Jeremy Rosado: He is singing “Rhythm in the Sky” by Stevie. Jeremy is soft as hell. His earlobes are like a thermopedic pillow! His lobes almost started a fight with his ear plugs! Jeremy’s lobes are fluffy. I can’t even listen to his voice I just want to pet his lobe!

J Lo said she loves to hear his interpretations of songs, Randy said it wasn’t his best and he didn’t believe it, Steven agreed.

What an awesome night! I really enjoyed tonight’s performances and am officially in full out active addiction to American Idol and the world of Idolisms.

Now it’s time to bring on the boot crew!

Unfortunately I won’t be able to post a blog entry for tomorrows results. I’ll be moving on up in life and will temporarily lose access to a television.

Goodnight Idolisms.

Samitz… OUT