OMG, when J Lo just turned away from the camera to wave to the audience, I had to juke her enormous ass from hitting me upside the head!!! It literally galloped out of my Vizio!
Seacrest’s hair: gelled forward with some spikeage in the front.
Contestants come out: All dressed in their own way:
James was a rocker-very Adam Lambertish,
Haley was fun and colorful.
Scotty was boring.
Casey... Oh Casey. When I see you dressed as business casual, you just give me that gut feeling that you are “that guy” who misreads the invitation and would show up dressed business casual to a black tie affair.
And Lauren Alaina got all glittered up. It’s was announced earlier that she will automatically make the cut for the Oakland Raiders cheerleading squad if she were to.....”get the boot!”
Stefano switched it up from Enrique Inglesias to the Abercrombie look. Sharp guy. But he revealed his insecurities in a recent interview on the Seacrest produced “Short, But Sexy” exclusive look on Idolismers that are under 5’4”.
Of course Michael was dressed fabulous. He is a homosexual.
Paul has been driving down Ridiculous Ave. for weeks now with the apparel he selects for each performance. I see that he continued to drive down it.
WARNING: This is long. It’s OK if you want to read it later.... (sighs) Oh what’s that you say? I’m speaking nonsense? You can’t resist! Excellent!
Idol Performance Play By Play: The Intense and Detailed Edition
Reporters are calling it Harsh? Possibly inappropriate? Judgmental? Genius? John Newberry award-esque? Unnecessary? Too cynical? Over the top?
You be the judge.... And I expect some comments folks! They inspire me. Make me even hungrier! Give me tiger blood!
Winning.
OK guys, I am about to rip the script as if this Idolisms blog entry is my senior thesis.....
Wait, I love America Idol! Why am I about to rip on the contestants? Eh, just experimenting a bit.
Paul Clip: He does seem like a chill guy. Oh wait... Am I starting to like my man with the busted kneecap? We’ll see.
Then we see Producer Jimmy and Randy’s voice cuts in spurting:
“Dude! Dude. So, Yo. Check it. YO. YO. YO YO. YO, YO. Aight......SO CHECK IT. “Those leather jackets you’re sporting are HOT!!!!!”
Kneecap in action. The big toe is till trying to trip the big toe. The saxophonist was awesome! I actually am enjoying it! Oh and I love it that he’s playing the tambourine, that’s cool. Wow, I guess I’m on, the judges like it too. Steven likes the suit. Now HE is someone who could pull it off! J Lo is definitely hot. I like the 5 carat barrette in her hair. Randy loved it. He is calling Paul an artist. Maybe no bottom 3 tomorrow night? ....
Lauren: Then we cut to the clip. Lauren is adorable I just wanna pinch her cheeks! But is that an American Idol? Well “she’s gotta snatch it up!” those votes from Pia like will.i.am said to!
Next, the peachy blonde girl is now wears an LA Kings hockey jersey starts singing. She’s got pretty subpar style these days...I mean the striped shorts with the black leggings underneath last week? Come on, Laur, you do better than that! She is singing some Miley Cyrus Hannah Montana. GOOD STUFF! The electric guitarist is ripping out some sweet riffs! J Lo is loving the way she "cried it out" and Randy (with his fresh to death striped tie), said she was back! Steven, said kind words but actually sounds like he he is lying... What’ll happen? Cut to her Mom: A whole lotta hair!
Stefano- Two shirts, popped collar all... Isn’t he that waspy dressed latin lover that went to Episcopal Academy on scholarship for Concert Choir? NAH. Maybe Old Navy?
Clip: Sweet top hat! Black Hoodie Stefano now. Hold up, I apologize for critiquing Stefano so harshly! I’ll lay off....
Okay, back to picking on little Stefano! He is starting to sing. He’s horrible so far! Not good on the low notes. Better on high. Right hand out, eyes closed...same friggin’ thing! His hooks suck. OK, done commenting. I’ll come back when it’s the judges turn!
(Disgusted with Stefano)
Ok I feel guilty for saying mean stuff about him. I mean, who am I to judge? But it’s fun!
Randy: DUDE, I’M TELLIN’ YOU! He thinks Stefano sleighed it!!! Best vocal to date? Wow....different opinions flaring! Steven: Thinks Stefano milked it. J Lo: It’s like, you got it! Sounds extremely intelligent as usual...still hot. They liked it. Did America?
Seacrests hair is still the same.
Scotty- Country Crock! 12 year old girl loves Scotty too hotty!
Clip: calls producer guy dude. Dude, that IS DISRESPECTFUL! For real! My Dad doesn’t play around with that either! RESPECT YOUR ELDERS SCOTTY!!!!!
Starting to sing. He is singing a singing a song called “Cross my Heart”. He is an unattractive colored Polyester button down shirt. The song is called Cross My Heart? Well cross my heart hope to die, stick a needle in my eye!!!!
FAST FORWARD
Don’t get my wrong, I appreciate country music... Just not from Scotty. Not tonight big guy. Too harsh on Scotty boy? No, sir. I’m just being a realist. Grandma’s for Scotty sign?? Aerosmith: Loved it. Thinks America will love it! J Lo says everyone is so damn good! Doesn’t compliment him first, secretly Hated it! Randy thinks a star has born on stage!? “HOT!!!!!,” Randall exclaims. Scotty, number 4!!! (My girl Shalina brought up an excellent point. Why isn’t it always the same number to vote for like it is on Dancing with the stars?? :)
Done with Scotty.
Casey: Sidepart hairdoo? Beard is kept nicely actually.
Cut to clip: husky red bearded Casey! Stand up bass action... I like it. He is singing Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight.” I like it. More B101. Wait....Wrong choice by Casey! He is switching it up!
Singing and playing a song America doesn’t know! Clearing his throat while singing?? Jesus Casey, your stand up cream colored Bass is awesome but you SUCK! I feel like I’m in a budget Jazz Club!! He is gone tomorrow night. Wait, the crowd is cheering for a while! Judges looking like they liked it! J Lo talks, A LOT! Basically, she doesn’t even mention Casey, she basically talks about the diversity of the contestants music genres. Casey obviously, Jazz. Randy does the same. But he is calling it brilliant and genius? Unbelievable..... Steven spits out some tongue twister. ? Later head CASE!
Oh my god it’s the commercial break and Casey is starting to cry again! He can’t keep his emotions in check! Casey needs to dictate his thoughts with his mind, not his emotions. (Caron PA, p. 876)
Haley: Curly poofy hair! She’s cute. A different cute. Like, I’d be interested. But when I call Lauren Alaina, it’s not in the same way... she is my peach! The little American Idol Contestant sister I never had.... Oh yeah, back to Haley...
She is singing “Call Me” by Debbie Harry? Don’t know the artist well, but know the song! Haley’s style! She’s gonna kill it!
Starts wack, turning it on though! Guitarist is ripping it! No. She’s off....It just got horrible. Damn, I was just starting to like her! Randy: YO. Not the usual exciting YO! Boo’s from the crowd? Phony! (Holden Caufield) Steven is always charming. Likes her dress! J Lo: Me too! Hints at her beliefs that she will... “GET THE BOOT”. She doesn’t want the girls to go! J Lo is more concerned with her wanting to keep girls in the competition, even though she subtly is saying to Haley, YOU SUCKED!
Okay folks, now Jacob. Producer guy Jimmy's leather jackets are rampant again. Doesn’t want Michael to preach to people. Agreed. Corny they say! Again, agreed. “Bridge Over Troubled Water” Jacob doesn’t say by who? Starts off, ehhh not convincing! He’s streaky. Inconsistent. Excellent at one moment, horrific in the next. He needs to work on that! Wow.....Jacob is horrendous now...He ends the song with a kermit the frog mouth! I think he is gone. He is going back to Church! (April :) ). Steven: always so broad with what he says, but a charming fella indeed.. J Lo: Still not making sense. (BTW, no AMAZING tonight... AMAZING! She is talking a lot, rubbing her arms searching for goose pimples! None. Randy liked it but not blown away. He does comment that he had perfect harmony. Teeny boppers will not vote for him. Will he "get the boot??" It's a huge possibility. Hope so!
James: Sammy Hagar’s “Heavy Metal”. This’ll be shorter for I'm getting tired and there isn't much bad to say because James is fantastic. But I am tired. Need sleep. Enjoyed this but feel like I just wrestled 6 matches to get to the finals!
Winning.
James is a great performer! Really gets the crowd revved up. Guitarist with black and white swirly guitar was real cool! I don’t wanna rip on him but I really don’t know the song well. Dad probably does. He knows like every song! Mom knows a lot too, but she’s more of a Luther connoisseur. But back to James. J Lo thought it felt real, but got all broad on us again and talked about all different types of idols they have. Unoriginal Jennifer! Randy loved it and said James was great because he says I'ma do me! ” and I agree! I did like it. Sweet blonde haired with black goatee guitarist guy liked it too! Steven liked it too.
My apologies if I took up your time at the office or offended you in anyway. The blog was long this time!!!
Oh, what’s that you say? It was the fastest read of your life?? Your ribs hurt from parts where you laughed so hard? It was genius? It was overly cynical, but brilliant?
Cheers mate. This is excellent news, thank you! (Am I being pompous? An arrogant prick? Taking this over the top? [certainly])
DUDE. That’s all the Idolisms I got....... I’m beat! Hardcore Carpal Tunnel Syndrome simmering up.....
No pictures in this one. Just words. Barely edited! (But just this morning, I had an editor call me wanting to do pro bono work for me.)
This isn’t actually a senior thesis!
Whispers from down the hall: “Is this guy seriously still talking???”
Easy tiger.... Just my take on thangs going on in the Idol word. Idol + Thoughts. Idoloughts.
This shits getting published. Oh, wow! First curse word ever used in Idol History! This blog was supposed to be PG - 13! Oh well, shit happens. But for real, things are getting shady in this competition.... first Pia, now this whole Idolisms Blog Spectacle? Wait a minute...You didn’t like it? Was my grandiosity too intense for you? Well if you don’t like my writing style this time, don't read it next time. You can still free to comment though. HATERS WELCOME! I'd be delighted to hear any point of view, good or bad. No hard feelings, dude.
(In the voice of Stewie from Family Guy) So what's up with me? Well... I’m still waiting for the results. I’m confident I won’t be in the bottom 3 of Idolology, but do have anxiety that people will think I had the same number from last week and accidentally vote for someone else! (Shalina=insightful).
Anyways, carry on now with your day. I’m sure you have realized what’s going on..........
Things are just heating up in the world of Idolisms.
SAMITZ (not Seacrest)
Bible
ReplyDeleteShakespeare
Faulkner
Samitz
enuff said
"Of course Michael was dressed fabulous. He is a homosexual."
ReplyDeleteOf course he's drunk, he's an irishman.
Of course she's stupid, she's a blonde.
I guess if you meant he's dressed faaaaaabulousss, that's all right.
Lol..that was such a great play by play at the end of it..i was waiting for you to say, in your best spanish accent, GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!
ReplyDelete